Hey wouldn’t it be funny if this didn’t go on last? Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, WWE, you jokesters.
Whoohoo, bitches! It’s WrestleMania weekend! You know what that means! It means, uh, they’re… having WrestleMania this weekend. I figured that was self-explanatory.
Anyway, let’s cut through the bullshit - here’s who I think is going to win at the WrestleManias. As always, the two cards are subject to change because this is WWE so that’ll probably happen.
I’m getting the line-up (as of now) from this CBS Sports webpage so if I goof any of these up it’s their fault and you should send them angry emails and ask to speak to their manager.
I’m totally not doing both nights in one post. What am I, insane? Don’t answer that. Right, so, anyway, doo dee doo dee doo, this Saturday, let’s see…
Raw Women’s Championship Match - Becky Lynch (c) (that means “champion” not… the bad word) vs Bianca Belair
So, this one’s been ramping up since SummerSlam, when Becky made her triumphant return from making another human with Seth Rollins, in a surprise appearance at that show I just mentioned. She ended up beating Belair in thirteen in a half nanoseconds or however long WWE claimed it was, to win the… SmackDown Women’s Championship? Oh yeah, I remember that. Then she and Charlotte got drafted to different brands and then yeah it was stupid, anyway, Becky eventually became Raw Women’s champ because wrestling.
So, yeah, Becky’s kind of at that level where she doesn’t need the belt to draw. People will just be like “oh hey Becky Lynch is on this show, two tickets to the Becky Lynch show, please.” And the ticket guy will be like “You mean the WWE thing?” and people will be like “No, the Eagles reunion concert, YEAH THE WWE THING YOU CRETIN!” and the ticket guy will be all like “OK, easy sir, here you go.”
What I’m saying is that Bianca is gonna get another WrestleMania moment and win the title and they’ll both be more popular than ever.
Winner: Bianca Belair.
The Miz & Logan Paul vs Dominick & Rey Mysterio
I still think it’s funny that WWE calls Rey Mysterio’s son “Dominick Mysterio” as if Mysterio is his last name. Like, Rey isn’t his first name - “Rey Mysterio” more or less translates to “Mystery King” in Spanish. Like, I’m not hung up on it, they can call them whatever the fuck they want for all I care. It just gives me the chuckles.
Oh, so, anyway, this fuckin’ match. So, I think one of two things are gonna happen. Miz & Lucky Lucha Logan get a win thanks to some miscommunication between the *snicker* Mysterios, and that sets off the Dominick heel turn we’ve all been expecting since we thought Eddie Guerrero might be his dad. Or, the Mysterios win, Miz blames Paul, who then decks Miz because I think he’s supposed to be a boxer? So, he does that, but everybody boos him anyway. If I gotta pick what I think will happen, I’m going with the second one.
Winner: The Mysterios
Seth Rollins vs Who the hell knows at this point?
Now, this is a pain in the ass. Not only do I have to pick a winner, but I have to guess who the opponent is. Well, I mean, I don’t have to. It’s not like anyone is forcing me to write this (or are they? send help). But it’s still a pain in the tookus.
It’s probably Cody Rhodes. I mean, come on. Two days before WrestleMania and the “dirt sheets” are “reporting” that Cody might “pull out” of the “match” (I may have gone a little overboard with the quotation marks)? How conveeeeeeeeeenient. “Oooooh, but Shane McMahon is in Dallas, too!” So is Sean Ross Sapp, you think he’s gonna be the mystery opponent? Get your head out of your ass.
Anyway, whoever it is, they’re gonna win. Moving on.
Winner: Not Seth Rollins
Drew McIntyre vs Happy Corbin
Oh, come the fuck on.
Winner: Drew McIntyre
SmackDown Tag Team Championship - The Usos (c) vs Shinsuke Nakamura & Rick Boogs
I’ve been a big fan of Shinsuke Nakamura since… errr… when did he have that big match with AJ Styles? No, the one in Japan. Yeah, that one. Since then. No, I didn’t know who he was before that, what of it? I’m not pretending I did, so get off my butt.
What was I saying? Oh yeah. So, I’m a big fan of Shinsuke Nakamura and, so, I’m always happy when he wins a title or does something cool. Which means that I think it would be awesome as fuck if he and Boogs were to defeat The Usos and win the belts.
Frankly, though, I don’t think it’s gonna happen. I think they’re going to keep this “Bloodline dominating everything” going through probably SummerSlam at least. Does that mean I think Roman Reigns is gonna win on Sunday? I dunno, why don’t you wait until I write part two, ya impatient jackwagon?
Winner: The Usos
Oh. Sorry about that “jackwagon” comment, that was probably unnecessary. OK, what’s next?
SmackDown Women’s Championship - Charlotte Flair (c) vs 2022 Royal Rumble winner Ronda Rousey
In what should be the main event of the night (and will at least be the final actual match of it), we’ve got super-decorated (in more ways than one)(she’s got a shiny robe, that’s all)(what did you think I meant?) SmackDown Women’s Champion Charlotte “We’re still using this last name even though her dad doesn’t like us right now” Flair taking on The Baddest (As In Tough, Not As In Bad At Wrestling As That Would Be Improper Grammar) Woman on the Planet Ronda Rousey.
Baaaaahhhhhgrrrrwahdootdootdootdootdoot *drums fingers on desk* Man, I dunno. If this was going on last, I’d probably say Ronda for that Send Them Home happy moment. But, it’s probably not going to be, so they can probably have Charlotte win. Then again, they might want to keep Ronda happy so she doesn’t run off again. Then again, that’s not necessarily why she left last time. I dunno. I mean, it would be weird to have both Women’s title change hands in one night. But not unheard of, and we don’t even know…
Fuck it, Charlotte wins.
Winner: Charlotte Flair
The KO Show w/ Stone Cold Steve Austin
KO talks trash, Austin hits him with The Stunner, Dallas goes home happy. The end. Until tomorrow.
So, that’s what I’m predicting on night one. Please let me know what you think. Please subscribe (it’s free) and share this and keep an eye out for part two, SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY (I probably won’t call it that) coming… I dunno, probably in a couple of hours or so. Until then, I’m outta here.