Grrrrrrr who gonna win? Bork or Ramen?!
Whoohoo again, bitches (and non-bitches, I guess)! If you missed my predictions for Night One, well, you can always just sort of go back to the main screen and click on it. Or you can click on this link. Whatever’s easier. If you didn’t miss it, I hope you enjoyed it. And if you didn’t enjoy it, well, why the hell did you decide to read this new piece? No, seriously. I’d love to know your thought process here. Comments. Now.
Anyway, let’s go over Night Two of this weekend’s WrestleMania and predict what will happen. I’m writing this on Thursday, so who knows if anything will change on SmackDown tomorrow. If it does? Well, whoopadeedoo, I guess, I’ll just write something else. It’s not that complicated. I got the lineup from the CBS Sports website so… I guess yell at them?
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OK, let’s do this shit, yo.
Bobby Lashley vs Omos
How much of a threat do WWE want to make Omos? Lashley’s already shown how dominant he is - he’s freakin’ called the “All Mighty” for fartin’ out loud. So this goes one of two ways. Omos loses and we never see him again. Or Omos wins and no one beats him ever. Or it could go a different way. I don’t know. Predicting this requires me to care about this match and that is difficult. Um… *flips coin* Omos wins.
Winner: Omos
Raw Tag Team Championships: RK-Bro (c) vs The Street Profits vs Alpha Academy
You can almost hear how badly WWE want to break up RK-Bro. They just keep making them money and it’s driving them crazy.
The tag champs are going to be in the ring with a couple of other really good teams. Both of their opponents are former champions in their own right, and all three of them are capable of putting on a great triple-threat match. I predict this match will be better than anyone is expecting but, in the end, RK-Bro are still the champs.
Winners: RK-Bro
Sami Zayn vs Johnny Knoxville
Night two’s celebrity-involved match pits former Intercontinental Champion Sami Zayn against Jackass star and guy who has also been in other stuff Johnny Knoxville. In fact, before Zayn lost the belt to Ricochet, this was originally going to be for the title. Can you imagine a celebrity holding a major title? Ha ha ha ha just kidding, I can, I was around for WCW in the 2000s.
I really try not to make predictions like these based on behind-the-scenes shenanigans or contract stuff. But, with Sami signing a new contract with WWE and seemingly very happy there, I’m predicting this to be a pretty short match. Knoxville with some hijinx followed by a Helluva Kick by Sami and the pin. Especially because, like, is Jackass Forever even still in theaters? I dunno. Probably not.
Winner: Sami Zayn
Pat McAfee vs Austin Theory
Pat McAfee is my hero. Not only is he a funny, super talented dude. Not only is he a guy who fought and scraped until he got to where he wanted to be in life. Not only is he great at what he does. But he’s managed to live in Indianapolis for as long as he has without throwing himself off a bridge. That, right there, is impressive.
McAfee’s performances in NXT - both in the ring and on the mic - have been nothing short of astounding. Win or lose, his match with Austin Theory at WrestleMania this weekend is going to be a lot of fun to watch.
Also, it’s gonna be a lose. Sorry, Pat.
It’s not that Austin Theory is all that great. I mean, he’s really good and, also, what the fuck do I know? I loved his stuff as part of The Way in NXT (“Ha ha that should be a song”) and Vince sees a lot in him apparently. He sees a lot in McAfee, too. The difference is Theory is working full-time and Pat has his show and other outside projects.
Which means WWE isn’t going to put over the part-time guy over the young (I literally have t-shirts older than Austin Theory) full-time guy. I mean, can you imagine? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…ha. heh. Anyway
Winner: Austin Theory
Women’s Tag Team Championship: Queen Zel…
You know what? I don’t care. Um…. Liv Morgan and Rhea Ripley. There. Let’s move on.
Edge vs AJ Styles
Man, I don’t know.
On one hand, you have AJ, who is still a major full-time part of the company. He’s just signed a new deal (there’s that contract stuff again) and, on top of that, he’s generally pretty successful at WrestleMania.
Then, you have the Hall of Famer Edge. He’s coming into WrestleMania with a new look, gimmick, and theme song. If this is all for the Show of Shows, well, that’s a lot of work for one match. That doesn’t mean he can’t pull it off, and it could be the set-up for something big for the Rated R Superstar down the road. Maybe a World Title run?
Well, that would depend on how this next match pans out but, for now, I’m going with AJ.
Winner: AJ Styles
Universal Champion Roman Reigns vs WWE Champion Brock Lesnar - Championship Unification Match
The first WrestleMania trilogy of matches since Rock vs Austin, and it’s to unify both of WWE’s World Championships. Holy shit, that’s pretty big.
Both Brock and Roman have found new energy and drive over the last few years. It’s a shame one of them has to lose (I think - this isn’t no DQ or anything, right?), but it’s going to be an absolute battle.
In the end, though, I think we’re going to see Roman standing tall with both belts and Brock heading back to his farm for a while until he gets the urge to punch someone in the face again.
I also think we’re going to see something unexpected after the match. Not sure what it’s gonna be, but I have a feeling.
Winner: Roman Reigns
OK, there you go. Let’s see how way off I am. Enjoy WrestleMania, everybody, and please share and subscribe. PLEEEEEEEEEEEASSSSSSSSSE? OK thanks.